A new fashion statement?

Well, I best be explaining what's been going on for the longest time. At least it feels like a long time.

I'm still not feeling any better and my mobility has definitely been impacted significantly. I guess I should give a true explanation of what's going on ...

When I was in grade 9 I started getting these weird pains in my knees all the time. I went and asked my doctor about it and he said I had patella-femoral syndrome. He sent me home with a pamphlet about it and told me if I needed physio I could have it.

Patella-femoral syndrome essentially is on normal people your knee cap is smooth. On me, the underside is jagged and the cartilage is as well. So when I bend or move it catches and tears. I also have a tendon that pulls my kneecap the wrong way. So the knee cap, instead of moving up and down normally, tends to move somewhat diagonally and off to the side. 

It normally causes moderate pain that you can continue daily living through. It's more of a pain (literally and figuratively) than really anything else. 

So I dealt with it for many years. I finally got fed up with the pain after seeing my doctor and started doing physio. Physio had no positive effects. So I saw an orthopedic surgeon. He immediately recommended surgery for me. I felt that was more than a little drastic and chose to wait another few years before worrying about it.

The surgery was described to me as a "lateral release". Essentially they go in, sand the kneecap and the cartilage down, and cut the tendon so that it starts to move into the proper place. It's day arthroscopic surgery and they send you out on crutches. I was told by my surgeon that it was basically a 33% chance of success with it. He said and I quote (I can't believe I remember his exact words all these years later) "For some people it works and works well. For others, it works for a while and then hurts again. For others, it just doesn't take". This was my main reason for leaving the knee for a while. I didn't feel it was that bad that I needed to be cut open and with no guarantee that it was going to work, be danged if I was going to do it.

Finally, when I was in my 3rd year of university ( 6 years after being diagnosed and recommended for surgery), I gave in and went for the surgery.

I remember being petrified. I'd had surgery before, I had ovarian cysts removed when I was 15. I remember I went to my university classes as I didn't have to be at the hospital until 11am, so I went to my first 2 classes of the day and then left. Be danged if I missed one of the most important lessons in my phonetics class which messed me for the rest of the semester. I remember people being amazed that I could sit through class and be focused while knowing that in a few hours I was going to be cut open.  I figured I might as well go...sitting at home wasn't going to do me any good while being at university might!

So a cold day in November of 2003, my dad picked me up from university and took me to Victoria hospital. I got in there and bust out crying from fear. They started the prep, and my doctor came in to say hi. He "autographed" my left knee so that he could remember which one to cut. Then the anesthetist came and gave me the choice of a spinal anesthetic or general. My parents convinced me to have a spinal as they figured I'd get out of the hospital quicker.

Worst decision ever. The spinal was the worst part of the whole surgery. The anesthetist came in and started doing the spinal. When he stuck the first needle in I guess he hit a nerve because my back contracted, I jumped and cried out in pain. Then the jerk yelled at me not to move. Well sorry buddy! When you stick a needle the size of my forearm into my back and expect me not to move... you've got the wrong idea!

All I remember of the actual surgery was a bit of the doctor and nurses talking while they continued to prep me. I fell asleep and woke up on the way to recovery. They told me I couldn't leave the hospital until I could move my feet. So I made a game of it. I tried desperately to move those feet!

Eventually they let me go with crutches. They said I could walk on the leg but best to stay on the crutches for a while. The actual surgery wasn't a huge deal to be honest. I wasn't in any huge amounts of pain and started to walk 2 days later. I had the surgery on a Thursday and was back to student teaching and school on the Monday. 

But, that surgery never took. I guess I was that group where it never works.

So, I dealt with the pain for a few more years and then went back for more physio. When that didn't work I saw my orthopedic surgeon again and he decided he wanted to do the surgery again. I wasn't too thrilled about the idea again. Especially when he said that if I had it, then he couldn't do it a third time and then there would be nothing more he could do for me and I'd have chronic pain the rest of my life. I put off the surgery again until I just couldn't handle the pain anymore.

So in 2006 at 4am I got driven to Bethesda Hospital in Steinbach. I got sent there because apparently the hospitals in the city had a 6 month waiting list and Steinbach had 3. I have to say I LOVED Bethesda Hospital and if I had a choice of hospitals I'd go there again. The anesthetist was fabulous! He thought I was going to be worried about the surgery but since I already knew what I was in for I wasn't the least bit upset. The only thing that worried me was the anesthetic. I was petrified they were going to give me another spinal. I was thrilled when the doctor said that Bethesda has a policy of not doing them unless they have to. They said they were going to put me under a light general. Loved it!

So I had to be at the hospital for something like 6am so we had to leave early. I got there and the staff was fantastic. The nicest nurses I've ever had in my life. They truly treated you like a person and not a number. They truly cared. My doctor came in and looked at me and said "I don't know if we're going to do the lateral release today, but I'll go in there and do something". Way to instill confidence in you doc. 

So they took me to the OR. I woke up on the way back to recovery again, and was actually able to speak to my doc as he filled in my chart. They did the lateral release again. Another 2 hours later and I was able to go home. I used the crutches for a day and was walking the next. This time was a bit different as I was a waitress at the time and I had to take 6 weeks off work to recover, which drove me nuts.

A few months later I happen to be watching the news and they had one of those teasers "An arthritis surgery for knees has been proven not to work, find out which one coming up". So of course I had to watch. Yep, it was my surgery. There was a news article in 2006 stating that the lateral release was disproven as a valid surgery for my situation and for arthritis. The study found that physio worked just as well in patients where the surgery would take. So basically, I did the surgery and lost at least a grand in wages and tips for nothing. I was pretty pissed.

So bring it to today. I've had knee pain ever since as this surgery didn't take either. As I did before both surgeries I've just kind of dealt with it. I've taken advil when it gets really bad and avoided strenuous activities or activities that use a lot of knee work.

April 12 was the last day I worked out on the elliptical. I had a great workout. Nothing about that day gave any indication of what was coming at me. I worked in the morning as I always do, worked out in the afternoon, cooked dinner... and by about 7pm my knee was hurting. Not a huge deal, when it hurts it's usually at night but goes away over night. This time it didn't. The pain kept me up all night.

So I went back to work the next day using my Dad's cane. It helped a bit. I came home and rested for a while, still figuring that the pain would die down overnight. Still wrong. So the 14th of April I went to work just hobbling around. I figured it had to be easier than the cane. Stupid stupid STUPID thing to do. I went to a medical supply place that night and bought a pair of crutches.

I had an appointment with my family doctor for the 15th so figure out what was wrong. He looked at my knee, felt it, moved it and was fairly grossed out from the faces he made. (Not by the size of my thighs either thank god!). Whenever he moved my kneecap it made this horrible grinding and clicking noise and hurt like heck. I told my doc that I couldn't put any weight on it without considerable pain and that I wasn't quite sure what was wrong.

He said that he wasn't sure either but he figured it wasn't the patella-femoral, that it was something more serious. He put me on naproxen for the inflammation and told me to stay on the crutches. He also said he was sending me for an MRI.


So I was a good girl and took my meds and stayed mostly on the crutches for the week. I say mostly because I'm a bloody stubborn person and hate being dependent on other people, so I was still trying to do a lot of things around the house on my own. I was still doing laundry, cooking... cleaning a bit.. I was stupid. I admit it. Very stupid.


The pain kept intensifying. I didn't let on to anybody exactly how bad it was. To be honest, the pain was and is worse than either of the surgeries were. I just felt that admitting I was in a lot of pain was a weakness and people would baby me. I can't handle being babied so I really just wanted to play it off and be superman.. try to do it all.


It didn't work. 


On April 20 the pain was so bad I could barely get into the shower and was in tears, sobbing from the pain afterwards. Dad finally got pissed off and told me I was going to be going to Pan Am Clinic in the morning.


So off we went. I sat in the waiting room for about 3 1/2 hours which isn't bad at all. I went off for x-rays and then saw the doctor. He made me get on the examining table which was a huge and painful feat. He felt my knee, felt the clicking, saw my restricted movement.. and came to the complete opposite conclusion as my family doctor. He said it WAS the patella-femoral and that it was just a bad flare up and I'd better be prepared for this to happen often. He said the MRI wouldn't show anything and was a waste of time. He also said there was no point getting another knee brace (I've had several over the years) as my kneecap was too small for a brace to grip onto. He sent me home with a note taking me off work for a week and instructions to stay off of it, to stay in a wheelchair. He also sent me home with a prescription for celebrex and something called tramacet. Wowza does tramacet screw you up. I was high for the whole week I was on it. I honestly don't remember much of that week.

The week went by and the pain was still intense. I made a follow up appointment with my family doctor as the doc at Pan Am said he didn't want to see me again as he figured I'd be fine after the week. Well, I sure as heck wasn't.  April 29 I went and saw the family doc again. He wasn't impressed that the other doc put me on the meds that he did and what he said. I guess because it completely contradicted what he said. My family doc told me to stay in the wheelchair until I had the MRI and they knew what they were dealing with. He also took me off all pain meds and told me to take extra strength advil if the pain got really bad. He also told me to go get a new knee brace. Going back to work was my decision. I could go if I felt up to it but if I didn't, he would take me off work ... essentially going on disability although I'm still not sure if I even have disability coverage at work.. I chose to go back. I can still do my job from the chair more or less. I can no longer do lunchroom duty or any recess duty but I can still watch over my buddy. (I work as an educational assistant in an elementary school in the mornings only). 


So that basically brings me back to present day (dang this is getting long!)


The pain is still incredible. However, on the 6th and 7th of May I started feeling a bit better. Dad and I had this agreement that if I felt good for a few days I could try the crutches again.
Saturday the 8th I tried the crutches. Not bad.. I survived. Sunday I stayed in them. But, as always, I over did it. I did laundry (Dad carried it downstairs but I hopped back and forth washing stuff), I cleaned, I tried to cook... I was in pain by the end of the day but just sucked it up.
Monday I went to work on the crutches. I truly hoped that this was the beginning of a progression back to walking. Work was tough to get through. I was really sore by the end of the day. But my day wasn't half over. Dad had a procedure at the hospital that I had to take him to. So I had to hop from one end to the other of Concordia hospital twice which was painful and exhausting. From there it was off to mom's for mother's day celebrations. By the end of the day I wanted to rip my leg off.


But, being Ms. Superwoman, I wouldn't give in. I went back to work on Tuesday on the crutches. Only to be told that there was a field trip to the Concert Hall that day. Nobody told me about it ahead of time! So I hopped around the Concert Hall all morning. I was near tears by the time I came home. 
Back into the wheelchair on Wednesday.


I've been back to it ever since. I over did it. I big time over did it. 


But I did get some good news on Friday the 14th. They've put me on the "urgent" list for the MRI. My doc's nurse said that I should have an appt asap. I had called the day before wondering when the appt was going to be as it had been a month and I didn't even have a date for it yet. I was wondering how much longer it would take for me to even find out when it was.. not have the test but just find out WHEN it would be. So hopefully being on the urgent list will get this thing in motion quicker and get me fixed up.


The pain is interesting to describe. On the bottom of my kneecap it feels like someone's gouging it out with an ice cream scoop. On the sides, someone's sticking knitting needles in and messing around with them. At the top, someone's stretching the tendon out like taffy, and on the back of my knee someone is punching it repeatedly.
(I'm good with metaphors lol). It hurts like hell to be honest. And it hurts ALL the time. There's not a moment's relief from this, although some moments are worse than others. 


I have to admit I'm scared about what could be wrong. I've done research on various knee conditions like torn ACLs, minicus tears, arthritis, loss of cartilage etc and nothing seems to really describe what's going on. A small piece of me worries I'm going to be like my father.. ok one day, screwed the next.. and all due to a cancerous tumor. I try not to think about that part much because I think that's being a bit melodramatic. But, I really am scared. I've never had pain like this before and I've never been this laid up before.


I worry a lot about the future too. How much longer is this going to go on? What am I going to do for work? My job ends the end of June. I have no work lined up for the summer and nothing for September. Being in the chair really complicates that as I have no idea what's going to happen. Are they going to figure it out and have me well enough by July that I can find a summer job, or do I have to try to live off of my meager savings? Am I going to be better for September? Will I be able to find work in education or will I have to move on to something else? If I'm not better, and I'm in the chair.. will I be able to find work that's wheelchair accessible? Will I be able to find someone who will hire someone in a wheelchair? Will I even find work I'm qualified for? 
The chair and this just complicates an already stressful, complicated situation. I had given myself a deadline of having a teaching job for September and if I didn't have one, I'd try to find a non educated related job as I have to start saving up, I have to move out. I've got to become an "adult". 26 (almost 27) is too old to be at home with no money.. it's time to grow up.


But can I grow up if I'm impeded by the chair and my mobility? I require a lot of care at the moment. I don't know, but I can't help but worry and stress about it a bit.. as I always have.

I'm also stuck in the house which is killing me. I've never had a huge social life, I'd get a few invitations to go out sometimes but now it's all completely dried up. Nobody wants to hang out or go out for drinks or anything. It's too hard for them to help me with getting the chair in and out of the car and to worry about things being wheelchair accessible. Today dad took me to dollarama which was HUGE as it was the first time I'd been out of the house in a month other than to doctors and work. Right now even going to wal mart would be a treat *sigh*. Hopefully this all clears up soon so I can get back out and have some fun again, because being trapped in the house all day and night really is boring and SUCKS.


So that's the latest and most comprehensive explanation of what's going on. It's long, and hopefully made some sense.. but the condensed version is, knee still hurts, still in chair, still no diagnosis. 


As I said on Facebook one day... come on health care system.. get to it and start to CARE about me. Until then, I get to go around with the newest fashion statement... coming with your own set of wheels! What man wouldn't want that!

The Failure Continues

Well the failure continues... There's been no exercising in my house for a week now.

I saw my family doctor on Thursday who said he didn't know what was wrong with my knees but didn't think it was the patella-femoral anymore and thought it was something worse. He also said they were going to set me up with an MRI and that I should stay on the crutches.

Well the pain hasn't been getting any better. It's been getting progressively worse every day.

I haven't been letting on to people how much pain I have been in. I've tried to brush it off, act like nothing's wrong and that it's not a big deal. Meanwhile I've been in the worst pain I've had since I had my ovarian cysts. 

It all came to a head on Tuesday night. I tried to have a shower and could barely bend my knee enough to get my leg over the side of the tub to get in. Even just standing there was agony. I had lost the ability to put any weight at all on my knee and the pain was absolutely intense. I can't get away from it. It hurts if I lay down, hurts if I sit, if I stand, if I try to walk.. 

Even the pain is the oddest thing. On the right side of my cap it feels like someone's poking a huge needle into it and moving the needle around. On the top of my cap it feels like jello moving around but every now and then someone tries to poke the jello. On the actual cap itself it feels like constant grinding. It's so hard to describe.. but let me just say it hurts like heck.

So anyways, Tuesday night I finally broke down. I burst out crying from the pain and couldn't stop crying for over a half hour. Those who know me should know this in itself is a huge deal. I don't cry easily, especially from pain. I've always had the "stiff upper lip" thing going on. So I lost it for about a half hour. Dad finally told me that we were going to Pan Am Clinic first thing in the morning. I of course objected, saying that I couldn't miss work and that it was sure to fix itself soon.

I lost that debate.

So off to Pan Am we went yesterday. We didn't have to wait too long, only about 4 hours. 

The doc took x-rays and they showed a normal cap which was good news as far as I was concerned. He said it wasn't great because it meant something else was wrong. He made me lay on the bed with my leg flat, which had me biting my lip to keep the tears away. He felt it, jiggled it and poked around a lot.. the whole time I'm sitting there crying from the pain and in all honesty trying not to pass out. 

He said that it is the pattella-femoral and that I'm having a bad flare up. He said there's no surgery they can do to fix it (although I'm sure knee replacement is an option down the road as it has been bantered around before). He said that this is going to happen since PF is not curable. 

He told me that there's no point in my ever trying to wear a knee brace as my knee cap is far too small (it is tiny..) and the brace would have nothing to grip onto. 

So he sent me off with a prescription to celebrex to try for a week and some pain pill that supposedly is good for people who can't take tylenol 3. I can't take T3. They don't do anything for the pain. This doc was saying that supposedly 20-30% of the Caucasian population don't have the enzyme to break down the codeine in T3s. I guess I'm one of them. 
He also told me to elevate and ice the knee 5 times a day.

Then came the really bad news.

I have to be off work for a week. Most people would celebrate having to be off work, but I love my job. I also am one of those people who can't sit still and do nothing or I feel guilty. So taking a week off is basically torture to me. I've already volunteered to do some work at home if need be.

The other really bad news is I had to get rid of the crutches. Saying goodbye to the crutches isn't all that bad, but trading them in for a wheelchair is.

Yep. I have to be in a wheelchair for a week. 

I'm not allowed to put any weight on my knee for a week. 

So there goes any exercise plans. Well, at least I can get some sort of upper body work out seeing as I have to pull myself around in this damned chair, but it won't be enough! 
I don't even know if I'm going to be able to work out much if this thing ever dies down. I really don't know what the future holds. It all depends on how this week goes. If it dies down, then great I can probably get back to it. If it doesn't, then I have no idea what's going to happen. 


This is just killing me. I'm normally a very active person, not physically but just running errands and being busy. I like to keep busy, it gives me a sense of purpose to life. Now I'm forced to sit still and do nothing. ARGGGGG! I'm already itching because there's things I should be doing but I can't. At this exact moment I should be at work but I can't be. The windows in this house need cleaning, the fence needs chicken wire on it so Bailey can't get out, I have pants I need to go get hemmed, I want to change my cell phone provider but I need more info... 
There's things to do and I can't get them done! Driving me insane.. driving me insane!


I have to stop thinking I'm Superwoman though. I have to slow down. Even with being on the crutches I was still trying to do everything I did before. I was massively overdoing it. I was trying to downplay the pain to those around me. I never  like to admit when I'm in pain. And I don't like to bitch about being in pain either. Nobody likes to hear that kind of stuff. So basically, everybody knew I was in pain already, so why dwell on it, why say "Oh it's getting worse, I think the pain is about a 25 on a 1-10 scale". Bitching about being in pain doesn't help it or stop it, so why would I. 
I tried to do too much. I still cooked dinner, played with Bailey (though it was modified playing), went up and down the stairs, did errands.. acted like nothing was wrong other than I had to deal with these stupid things shoved up my arm pits. I now know I was stupid. I have to actually start listening to my body, and when it starts screaming at me instead of screaming back at it telling it to do what I want it to... I should listen to it and rest. 


I actually shocked my dad with how limited my range of motion was and how much pain I was in. I don't think he fully understood until we got to the doctors and the simple act of the doctor laying his hand on my knee without even putting pressure on it, caused me to cry out. 


So the failure continues..


to hopefully be replaced by a full recovery and a restart at all this..

Epic Fail

So yeah... can't write much because I can't say much.


This week has been a total write off. Monday I did my personal best on the elliptical for 570 calories.

But then the pain started. 


My knees are totally buggered.

Monday night the pain started in my knee. I figured no big deal, this happens all the time, by morning I'll be alright.


Morning came and the pain was worse and shooting from my knee down to my toes and back to my hip.

So I went to work with a cane and hobbled along. I figured it would probably calm down that night and I'd be alright.


Nope.


It swelled up to the size of, gosh, I don't know... something between a grapefruit and a watermelon. Dang this is huge.

So off to work I went on Wednesday but I figured I would just limp my way through the day. BAD idea. Stupid stupid stupid! That just made it hurt more. So after work on Wednesday I went to the medical supply store and finally bought those crutches I was talking about back in January or February the last time this acted up.


Went to work on Thursday with the crutches. Sore, hard to get around, but definitely easier to get around than the previous days.


Saw the doctor on Thursday. He says that it's most likely NOT the patella-femoral that's causing it, he figures it's something worse. He touched my kneecap and it just grinded. It was so gross, it didn't matter where around my knee he touched it made this grinding feeling and sound. So he told me he's sending me for an MRI which of course will probably take 6 months to get... in the meantime I get to keep using the crutches, take some anti inflammatories and some pain pills and hope it starts feeling better on it's own.


I'm SO frustrated. So incredibly frustrated. Normally when it acts up it stops within 24 hours. This is now day 4 of incredible pain and swelling and there's no real sign of it stopping. And of course this happens right while I'm doing well with the weight loss and starting to feel a bit better about myself. Now the working out has basically come to a stop. After working all morning (I only work half time) I'm exhausted from the pain and the crutches. Plus, I mean obviously I can't get on the elliptical right now. I could do some upper body work but to be honest all I want to do it MOVE. 


So I'm still going to watch what I eat (although I have to admit the past few days the chocoholic in me has come out and won) and try to lose weight by just eating better.. it'll go a LOT slower but.. I hope I can still do it. 


I hope, I pray, I wish... my knee could feel better right now. I have so much to do that's been put on the back burner because of this. I can't work out because of this.. I can't play with my Bailey pup as much as she wants.. 


I'm petrified that the people I see in person, like at work and such, think that I'm faking this. I've always been like that, worried that people don't believe me when I'm sick or in pain. But to anybody who thinks I'm faking or playing it up... come see my knee. Come see the swelling and that should prove that something is wrong. 


Just when things start to look up.. you get knocked right back down.


*sigh*

Frustration and Success

Just a quick update this week..

There's been a fair amount of frustration. I'm finding meals are getting fairly hard to deal with. Lunch is a pain because breakfast is the same thing every day, then I choose dinner and whatever is left for calories becomes lunch.

But it's hard sometimes to find things that fit into the calories I have left at lunch. The main reason for this? My father. We eat dinner together every night and he doesn't want us eating two different meals. I have no problem cooking two separate meals that we eat at the same time, but he thinks it diminishes the importance of eating a meal together.

I'd love to be able to make what I want. Dad and I unfortunately have very different tastes. I love poultry and could eat a lot of it. It's lean, low cal and very versatile. Dad however, is a red meat eater. He will not eat poultry more than once a week, twice if I'm really sneaky. I also love spicy food, lots of vegetables and trying new things. Dad is very English in his eating. The plainer, the better. He also hates it when I try a new recipe because he automatically figures it has to suck because I chose it. So planning meals sometimes can be really challenging. 

So a lot of the time more calories go into dinner than I'd like there to be; just because I have to make meals he would want. Part of the issue as well is that Dad's tired of eating certain meals, and I'm tired of eating the ones he's not tired of. So we're in this huge rut that we can't get out of because he won't try new things and I'm tired of the same old same old.

But I am trying. 

 I had two cheat days this week. I try to only have one, but this week had to be an exception. Easter was on Sunday so obviously that was a cheat day. There was no way I was going to be able to eat low cal when it comes to a holiday like that.

The other cheat day was Wednesday. Dad and I have had season tickets to MTC for the past 10 years. So we go once a month during the theatre season. We always go out for dinner the night of the play as well, make it a daddy/daughter night kind of thing. Well we went off to the Keg. Yet again, I knew there was no hope of eating well, so I just enjoyed the food. 

Back into routine again for Thursday and the rest of this week. Although today may end up being a minor cheat day. I have had horrible insomnia for the last 10 days  to 2 weeks.. I'm so incredibly tired. I did work out yesterday but it nearly killed me. Today I'm still exhausted so I may just skip the workout.. we'll see how the day goes.

I do have some success now though! It's not a huge amount but it's something. Since I truly started to eat well and commit myself to working out every day (so like.. 2.5 weeks now I guess) I've lost 2 inches in my torso and 7 pounds. I'm startled to see the inches come off my top half of my body considering that the elliptical is a lower body workout. I would have figured it would come off my butt and thighs first. Oh well, I'll take it where I can get it!

so my new stats are:

Age: 26

Height: 5'3"

Weight: 197 lbs

Measurements:

Calves: 17"

Thighs : 31"

Hips: 47"

Stomach: 44"                                      down 2 inches from starting point

Waist: 34"                                            down 2 inches from starting point

Chest (bust): 40"                               down 2 inches from starting point

Upper arm: 13"

Lower arm: 9.5"

Numbers, Calculators, Sweat and More...

Well I've done it, I lasted a whole week. 

I've been counting my calories like MAD and exercising an hour each day and I'm pretty sure that old nemesis of mine, the scale, said I lost 3 pounds. Woohoo, 3 down and at least 72 to go.

I'm trying to keep my caloric intake to around 1200-1250 a day. I'm using a website called Http://www.calorie-count.com to track my calories throughout the day. The really nice thing is that because it's web based, I can access it where ever I am (as long as there's a computer near by!) and update it. 

I was really good about food this week. I counted, made really good choices, and measured my food to be sure I wasn't over indulging. I bought a digital kitchen scale from Wal-Mart about a month ago and with counting everything that goes in my mouth it's really been a life saver. Also, trying to have a good attitude is helping too. I looked at the package of Lipton Sidekick's noodles we were going to have with dinner one night and saw that for a 1/2 cup they were about 180 calories. I nearly died! I couldn't believe that with what I figured a normal portion of the noodles was for me, pre-counting, I was probably intaking nearly 800 calories just in noodles! Imagine my surprise when I actually used a measuring cup to portion the noodles out and found I normally ate around a cup of noodles, which was more than enough! I guess I didn't eat as badly before as I thought I did. 

I was really good at work too! How I can work with such skinny women when there's always so much food in the staff room, I'll never know! This week there was a MASSIVE cheesecake and a chocolate cake. Also home made cinnamon buns and potato chips. I didn't have a thing. None of the junk. Although, one day there was a veggie plate so I had a few mini carrots and pieces of broccoli. I'm seriously amazed at my will power at work.

I've become super anal about what I eat now. I went grocery shopping on Friday and nearly left the store in tears because a lot of things I looked at, that I figured would be ok to eat, really weren't. I was really upset. Now I know you're allowed to treat yourself now and then but I know with me, if I have bad foods in the house I'm going to gravitate towards them. But, I was thrilled to find that the Thinsations brand has mini oreo cakesters, for 100 calories a pack! THANK GOD! I love those things, they're bloody addictive though! So to have them in little guilt free 100 calorie packs was a godsend. 

Even things like a simple sandwich have become worrysome. When you figure each slice of bread is around 110-150 calories a piece, you've got 220-300 calories just in the bread. Then add the margarine/butter, the meat or cheese or whatever topping... and that sandwich is easily 500-800 calories! Yikes! I did find Weight Watcher's bread though. 110 calories for TWO slices! The slices are super small but I never really ate bread before I did this so super small works great for me. I can actually have toast in the morning now instead of the oatmeal. Sweet! 

Food though has become a bit of an obsession that I really need to back off of. I did allow myself a cheat day yesterday though. I felt I can't suck the life out of food and I've got to allow myself some things that I've been craving. So I had toast with jam in the morning. Who knew Cheez Whiz has less calories than jam? I then had 2 grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch, on regular bread, not my weight watchers. And then a small pizza for dinner. I made sure it was a small so there was no left overs for me to have around the house tempting me. My snack while watching a movie was some of those crispy mini rice cakes in bbq flavour. I love those things.. So it was a bad day for calories. What I found odd though is I got full so fast and I guess my stomach isn't used to having so much grease because I bloated up like mad. That'll teach me lol.

I stuck with the elliptical too. I've been doing an hour every day (other than Saturday, I took it as a rest day). I've been doing it every day at the same time to keep a routine going. I'm really impressed with it. I'm getting stronger and stronger and better at it. When I first started using it again I was doing about 108 strides a minute and burning around 450-470 calories in an hour. Now, I'm doing about 130 strides a minute and burning 550 calories an hour. Today I hit my record which was the 130 and 550 calories. I tried to slow down, thinking I was going to burn myself out but my body just wouldn't slow down, it kept pushing. I love it! I haven't really noticed any effects to my body with it, like lower measurements or such but it feels good to do it. And really, for all these years (except last year, I really didn't have the time.) I've said I haven't had an hour to spare to do any exercising... I realize what crap that was. An hour really isn't long and it goes by quickly if you watch tv. I watch more tv in a week now that I exercise than I did before! 

The only thing I worry about is that I may be inadvertently starving myself. I'm trying to reach 1200-1250 calories a day, but really hitting more like 1000-1100. With a BMR that says with just basic daily living I burn approx 2100 calories a day, and then add on the elliptical for 550, I'm burning approx. 2600-2700 calories a day. With an intake of 1000-1100 it means I have a caloric deficit of usually around 1300-1500 a day. I know having a deficit of 500 means you should lose a pound a week and 1000 means 2 pounds a week. I'm hoping by going over that I'm not hurting myself. I'm not hungry all the time and the foods I pick to eat satiate me really easily so I'm really hoping I'm not going into that starvation mode.

I've been thinking about this blog lately and came to a conclusion about it. I don't give a rat's patoot if anybody reads it. This is just really great for me to keep up with my progress. It's good for me to see what motivates me and what gets me down. 

I feel my confidence is growing. I feel more like the old me. I feel like actually going out and being social and having fun now, instead of hiding at home every night because I feel I'm too fat or not good enough to go out. Wish I'd never retreated within myself like I did, if I hadn't, perhaps I'd still have some of the friendships I've lost over the years that I miss so much. Perhaps I wouldn't be so lonely. I'm at the age where as a single woman with no kids (almost seems rare to be a non kidlet female these days!) that I should be out having fun, enjoying life, instead of sitting at home playing on Facebook and Pogo all dang day.

I know I'm being optimistic here and putting far too much emphasis on the impact my weight has had on my life, but I'm hoping that if I do indeed actually get thin.. things will finally work out for me. I'll get the job I deserve, that I've worked so hard for. I'll move out, and not be the pathetic 26 year old living at home with dad. And maybe, just maybe, I'll hear those 3 little words that I've missed so much.. "I love you" coming out of a man who truly means them. Until then, I will work my butt off to achieve my goals.

Back in the Saddle Again

Well I haven't posted anything in ages because there's been nothing to post.

Until now I guess.

I had basically quit working out. with the exception of Sundays which I always did.. for about 3 weeks. I started a new job that I found tiring and just couldn't seem to find the time to work out at all. I also went on a huge eating binge.

Not helping the situation was a diagnosis of laryngitis by my doctor. I had had a cold around the beginning of February that caused me to lose my voice for a few days. I didn't think much about it because I seem to get laryngitis every year. Finally, near the end of February I went and saw my doctor for a refill on the plethora of prescriptions I have to take daily and just mentioned that I was still getting hoarse at times. He told me that I did have laryngitis and that if I didn't shut up I was likely to develop nodules on my vocal chords which would then require either surgery or voice therapy. He told me to talk as little as possible for a week, and if I was still having problems to see him again and he'd take me off work for a week. Needless to say, as someone who works in a school, with kids, and uses their voice constantly.. I was not impressed. But like a good girl I walked around home and work with a mini whiteboard for a week and didn't talk. I still get hoarse from time to time but it's not bad enough that I'm going to see my doctor. To heck with taking a week off work! I need the money! 

Unfortunately, I found out that having to write everything you want to say down is extremely frustrating and exhausting. I'd come home from work every day and just pass out. There was no exercising done.

I've started to get back into it and back into it quite seriously though. I'm now doing an hour a day on the elliptical and burning 500 calories a day with that. I tried getting up at 5am and doing one workout then and one at 4pm but it's proven to be too much for my legs. But I'm enjoying it. I just work out on the elliptical from 4pm-5pm while I watch Golden Girls and the time just flies by. It's also nice to have a set time to do it because I'm an extremely routine based person. I'm like an old fuddy duddy, if my routines get messed up I get MAD.

I've also started to very strictly watch what I'm eating. There's no more inbetween meal snacks of chips or crackers. I've avoided eating anything in the staff room at work. Our staff room is always PILED with food. Cakes, cookies, doughnuts, veggies, fruit, crackers.. you name it! But, I've been really good and avoiding eating any of it. If I get hungry, I'm reaching for a banana. If I really want a snack like popcorn then I have to decide if it's really worth getting back on the elliptical for. Usually I'm smart enough to go "Hell no! Had enough of that for the day!" and not eat it. So, so far it's been working well and I'm not finding it that incredibly difficult to be disciplined. I love fruit and veggies so I'm making them the main portion of my meals and avoiding eating a lot of processed foods and pasta. 

I haven't noticed any weight loss and I just did some measurements for shits and giggles and they haven't changed. Not surprised considering this new way of life is only a few days old. 

I have however been getting a lot of compliments on my weight lately. I've had 4 people this week ask me if I've lost weight as they think my waist is getting smaller. I wish! 

What it really is is that I finally went out and bought some new clothes this month. I decided that screw it, I'm working and I never buy myself new clothes so I went a little wild. I attacked Ricki's like a starving naked child and bought almost one of everything they had! I was just there on Wednesday and bought 12 shirts and 3 necklaces for $212! What a steal! I only paid full price for 3 things, the rest were on clearance. I got this gorgeous sweater which was regular $70 for $5! They'd marked it down a few times and then put it on the clearance rack for $9.99. Ricki's then always takes 50% off their last marked price so I got it for $5. I LOVE IT!

I think that's a huge portion of why people have been asking if I've lost weight. I haven't lost weight but I've gained some confidence again. I've got a really nice new haircut which I love, and beautiful new clothes that I love. I'm feeling sexy and more like myself than I have in years. I'm starting to feel like I'm a human being again and that I belong in this world and should be out having some fun! The past couple of years have been very tough and socially, I don't go out more than about 3 times a year. I just don't really have many friends. It really got me down and I think my whole aura showed that. Now, with new clothes, new hair and a whole new attitude, I think people can see it and I'm coming across a lot better.

I feel amazing! I feel like for the first time in probably 5-7 years, I can walk with my head held high. I may not be the most attractive person out there but dangit I feel amazing and cute! And once I lose a good 80 pounds I'll be even cuter lol. Maybe I'll even find me a man. This being single for 6 years stuff sucks. I haven't even had anybody interested in dating me for 6 years. Ugh. But, hopefully with some new confidence and weight loss that will change!

I feel like the old Kat is back and it feels amazing :)

Been a while

It's been a while and there's good reason for it. I suck lol.

No seriously, life just threw me a ton of curve balls this last while and it's really taken all my time, energy and sanity away.

So here's the update.

I worked out on the 3rd for 20 minutes on the EA for a total of 154 calories. Had a TON of fruit. Last week I had this huge banana craving and ate 3 bunches of them in about 4 days. Just insane cravings. Thankfully that one's over except now I've got the chocolate cravings.. ack!

On the 4th I had my best day yet! I have no idea what got into me. I started off with 35 minutes on the elliptical for 300 calories. I actually felt pretty good after that so I did 30 minutes of step aerobics on the Wii Fit for 150 calories. Then after about a 10 minute rest I decided I felt good enough to get back on the elliptical and I did another 15 minutes for another 150 calories. Total for the day: 600 calories and 1 hour and 20 minutes. I even felt amazing after doing it. No pain, no exhaustion, I was really really impressed. It got those endorphins going!

Friday the 5th I didn't work out. I had some parental issues.

For those who don't know the past 15 months have been hell around here. Last November (2008) my father got diagnosed with kidney cancer and it spread to his hip in a massive football sized tumour, making him unable to walk. It was devastating. This strong man was suddenly weak as a child and I had to care for him. I did all the things around the house as well as cared for him like helped him get his socks on, slippers, move around, carry things for him, run more errands etc. Thankfully after 3 surgeries we got the news on Tuesday the 9th that he's been deemed cancer free. Thank God.

However, in March 2009 my mother was at work and suddenly yelled to her coworkers to call and ambulance because she couldn't breathe. She then quite literally fell over and died. She had a massive heart attack that caused her heart to stop. Her co-workers did CPR until the EMTs arrived. The EMTs had to shock her 5 times with the defibrillator to bring her back to life.  The hospital worked on her for hours to stabilize her. They ended up putting her body into a hypothermic state to give her body a chance to slow down. They told us she had a 50/50 chance but they figured she wasn't going to pull through. Thankfully she did. However, not without lasting damage. Her short term memory has issues, she's lost 1/2 the function of her left ventricle and now we find out she's got kidney damage. She's tired all the time, has had to go on disability and needs a lot of help around the house.

I try to spend equal time helping both my parents but it is admittedly hard, especially with work and my own health issues.

Almost losing both your parents in a span of 4 months is brutal. I quite honestly don't know how anybody in my family pulled through it all.

So the point of rehashing the hell that has been my life over the past 15 months is that on Friday the 5th mom had a dr.'s appt. They told her that she had kidney failure and was going to need dialysis 3 times a week for 4-8 hours a day.

So coming home with that information I had no energy, desire or mindset to even think about working out. My mind was on mom.

However, Saturday I forced myself to use the elliptical for 35 minutes for 290 calories. I figured I had to get on it because hopefully it would raise my endorphin levels and make me happy. I was wrong, but it was worth a shot.

Sunday the 7 through Tuesday the 9th I was sick. I figure it was  a case of laryngitis. I couldn't talk, my throat was killing me, I tired easily and I had a gland in my neck that was the size of a nectarine. No way was I going near that machine while I was ill. Wednesday the 10th I didn't work out either. Despite feeling better, I felt it was best not to push it.

Which brings me to today, February 11th. No workout today either. My mom's back in the hospital. I worked all day, came home at 3:30, called to talk to my mom at 4 only to find out she'd been in the hospital since 6am with incredible pain. I left shortly after talking to my step dad and only got home about an hour ago. So I was at the hospital for about 4 hours tonight. 

It looks like mom might be alright, they seem to think she's got a kidney stone that's lodged in there. Tomorrow they're going to do an ultrasound to try to break the stone up. Hopefully that does the trick and she can come home tomorrow. She is in good spirits and looks good but is in a lot of pain. But, good news does come out of this to a degree. The doctors don't think she has kidney failure anymore. They think her elevated levels of creatine on her tests is from the stones. So hopefully that turns out to be true. They did say there could be some damage to the kidneys though, but really that's almost to be expected because she was oxygen deprived for a while with the heart attack.

Ok so summary:

Workout... almost non existant.

Excuses: Plenty

Good excuses: Plenty ( I think so lol)

Desire to get back at it: Lots

Tears at Wal-Mart when trying to buy new pants yesterday: Several. Cause nothing fit.

Hope for the future: Lots.

Dinner tomorrow: Pizza. Screw the diet, it's been a hell of a week.

I'm still determined, I think I'm failing rather miserably but I'm determined to get into shape and lose some of this weight. However, if given the choice between working out and caring for my parents working out will always lose. They've been there for me for the past 26 years; if they need some extra attention now I'm more than willing to give it to them with no questions asked.